As children grow into their teen years, it can be challenging for parents and foster carers to give them more independence. While it’s natural to want to protect teens from harm, allowing them to make more of their own choices helps them develop critical life skills and a sense of self-reliance. Here are some tips for guiding teens on the path to independence.
Give Them More Responsibility
Around ages 13-15, teens are ready for more responsibility. Let them take charge of tasks like doing their own laundry, packing their school bag, and getting themselves up in the mornings. Resist the urge to intervene – let them learn from small mistakes. Praise their efforts to build confidence. If you are long term fostering, discuss taking on more household chores appropriate to the teen’s age and ability.
Allow More Freedom
As teens show they can handle more responsibility, grant them more freedom and autonomy. This may mean allowing them to go out with friends without adult supervision, stay home alone, or take public transportation by themselves. Establish clear rules and check-ins for safety. For foster teens, follow the regulations around independent activities set by your foster agency, such as Fostering People Birmingham.
Encourage Extracurriculars
Encourage teens to participate in school, community or summer sports teams, clubs, and volunteering activities. Pursuing their interests and hobbies helps teens explore their identity. Avoid pushing activities you prefer – let them choose based on their passions. Support foster teens in joining activities and help with enrolment logistics like transportation and gear.
Loosen Reins on Academics
Resist hovering over teens about schoolwork. Let them manage their own schedules, assignments and studying. Offer help if you are asked, but allow them to make academic choices and learn from failures. For foster teens, provide an organised, quiet study space and assist them in advocating for any educational support services they need.
Guide Major Decisions
While granting independence in day-to-day choices, provide guidance about major decisions like course selection, college plans, and healthcare. Engage teens by hearing their thoughts first, then offering your insight. For foster teens, help them identify interests and options after secondary school, including college, trades, the military or workforce.
Allow Part-Time Jobs
Part-time jobs teach teens responsibility and money management skills. Support teens in finding and applying for age-appropriate jobs like retail, food service and babysitting. Set rules about balancing work hours with other responsibilities. For foster teens, follow any regulations about teen employment and transportation to/from the workplace.
Loosen Rules About Appearance
Around secondary school, allow teens to make more choices about fashion, hair, make-up and personal style. As long as they follow school dress codes, avoid harsh criticism. Help foster teens shop for their own clothing and other items that help them express their identity.
Grant More Privacy
As teens seek more independence, they also need more privacy from parents and foster carers. Avoid snooping in their rooms, diaries or electronics. Trust is essential. Unless safety issues arise, respect their space and secrets.
Stay Connected
While giving teens their space, stay engaged in their lives. Have frequent family meals and talk openly. Share your values and perspectives while also listening without judgement. Help foster teens feel like valued members of your household.
Letting go is hard, but raising independent, capable teens is rewarding. With support, guidance and trust, they gain the skills needed to thrive as adults. The art of parenting and fostering teens means knowing when to hold on and when to let go.
